Zugzwanged

I am a big time TV buff,and one of the shows I love most on TV is Criminal Minds. The Behavioural Analysis Unit, BAU, is a special unit within the FBI based out of Quantico. The BAU consists essentially of profilers and one computer genius. The team of 7 study behaviour and deliver profiles, that help catch Serial Killers. They work mostly on cases involving serial killers, because the multiple victims, that a serial killer leaves in his/her wake help determine a behavioural pattern that eventually help nab them. The show is of course very Ethiopian in its approach, where at the end of each episode, the team are able to catch the killer (or surprisingly often, he/she kills themselves when they get close enough). However, in this world filled with hatred, violence and disregard for human life, what can I say, I am a sucker for a happy (somewhat happy) ending.

This post in particular, is not about right and wrong, or about the show, or even about my deep dark aspirations of becoming a profiler, even though me and science are like chalk and cheese. This post is simply about a word that is used fairly often in the 8th season of the show.

ZUGZWANG

Zugzwang is a chess term. It literally means, 'A situation in a chess game in which a player is forced to make an undesirable or disadvantageous move.' Zugzwang is a German word and is often also used right before a person check mates another person in chess.

During a recent conversation with someone I realized, my Blog is MINE. What I mean is, it is mine to write what I feel. One of the reasons I haven't monetized my Blog is because it is personal. Simply put, I write because I want to. Of course its an added high when people read and/or comment, but essentially, I do the writing part more for me than the reader. It is the balm to my battered soul.

So today I'm going to do just that, I am going to write for myself. I feel Zugzwanged. I don't  know how to explain it. My mind is working a million miles a minute, and I cant really concentrate on any of the things going through it. I feel like my brain matter is expanding, and if this doesn't stop, my brain is going to explode any minute. So I am, as they say, venting constructively.

Have you ever been in a situation, when a word, just ONE word seems suffice to explain where you are in life or what you are feeling? It doesn't happen that often to me. Mostly there are so many words that I cant put them all out there coherently so I just keep quite when I feel like this. But there is that odd moment or two, where just one word is enough to explain everything.

How many times have you been in a situation where you have had to make decisions you don't want to, but still had to, because someone or something is proverbially twisting your arm up your back, because you realize, you have no say in this situation. That feeling is Zugzwang, and its (excuse the language) a bitch.

I don't even much care if I'm making sense right about now. I don't know if I want anyone to read this or not. The fact is I dont know, and so I'm sitting here, doing what I do best. I'm writing, I'm trying to communicate by means of my writing, in the hope that someone out there will read it and maybe realize. I don't quite know what they are supposed to realize or even who they are, but I'm just... I'm letting my fingers run across my keyboard and I'm trying to prevent my brain from exploding.

I'm feeling Zugzwanged, and I'm saying that its not important why I am feeling this way. It's just important that I do something about. I can shout. I can cry. I can sit down and I can chant. But right now, I prefer to write about it. In the hopes that if someone out there is understanding my muddled thoughts and has ever felt like this, maybe you can relate..... maybe you can offer advice. Maybe, just maybe it will make you realize, you are not alone.